It was one of Barack Obama’s campaign promises. He vowed on the campaign trail to end what many see as unfair discrimination against homosexuals by pushing for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the Clinton-era policy that allows gays to serve in the military only so long as they remain securely in the closet and never tell anyone who they really are. Almost two years after his inauguration, the debate over DADT continues, with respected members of the armed forces arguing both sides of the argument. But seriously, folks. We all know that there is only one right answer to the question of whether or not gays should be allowed to openly serve in the military. That answer is of course not! Here’s why the repeal of DADT would be the single worst thing the United States has ever done (or second worst, since we did elect that America-hating commie Barack Hussein Obama).
We Would Lose The War On Terror
Seriously, we all know why the terrorists hate us; it’s because of our freedom. They hate our freedom, people! What will happen if we suddenly start treating everyone equally, regardless of who they are or who they love? There would simply be more freedom for them to hate! We can’t be provoking further terrorist attacks just because our nation was built on equality before the law… What kind of message would that send to our enemies? Sticking to our principles is all well and good, but it absolutely must take a back seat to national security issues that might lead to emboldening our enemies. If anything, we should expand DADT to include liberals, non-Christians, and those fucking readers that have been ruining our country almost as much as the gays. If we can show the terrorists that we are willing to deny people freedom just as easily as they do, it will go a long way toward winning their hearts and minds, since we will have that common ground to build on. We may not agree on everything, but we can start peace talks with the common premise that homos are yucky and they give us the willies.
Repealing DADT Would Ruin Combat Readiness
Just because Joint Chiefs Chairman Admiral Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates (as well as 70% of the over 100,000 soldiers surveyed) are at worst ambivalent about repealing DADT doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea regarding the overall effectiveness of our armed forces. The other 30%, despite knowing there are already gays who serve with them, would find their combat readiness severely hampered if they knew who those gay soldiers were. It seems reasonable to me. After all, we already ask them to go halfway around the world to get shot at and blown up by hostile natives and enemy combatants in the name of securing better trade markets and easy access to oil reserves. We already refuse to provide them with adequate post-combat medical treatment for things like amputations and PTSD. We already expect them to bunk in the same barracks and use the same showers as homosexual soldiers. But God forbid they should have to know which of their fellow soldiers are gay. Plus, history proves out that open homosexuality in the military is a serious detriment to combat readiness. Those ultra-liberal, pro-homo Spartans went so far as to encourage homosexual relationships between their soldiers, and look at how crappy their army was.
It’s a Public Health Issue
Homosexuality is a mental illness, and it’s contagious. After all, if it was genetic, there wouldn’t be more than one or two generations of gays in human history, since being gay is non-reproductive. But it’s only when people are open about their infection with teh gay that they can spread the disease to others. You never see closeted gays spreading teh gay to others. It’s only when they come out that they communicate the illness. Do we really want the entire military to get infected? What will happen if our whole army catches teh gay and becomes a bunch of Bravo-watching, Cher-worshipping sissies? Since we all know that being infected with teh gay invariably leads to being anti-American, Godless, child-molesters with no family values, how can we expect our soldiers to defend our nation if they are continuously exposed to the disease? We want them to fight our enemies, not go around sodomizing one another and holding ad-hoc fashion shows in their barracks. No. It’s gross. We must keep our soldiers clean and hetero, lest they become diseased deviants who lack the morals to burn women, kids, houses and villages when they are so ordered.
There you have it. Gays should stay in the closet, period. But especially in the military. Because if we repeal DADT, the terrorists will win and our soldiers will be too grossed out or diseased to fight them for us.