Christmas Wars: Part 3 (The Final Rant)

Since we can agree that America’s conservative platform is diametrically opposed to the teachings of Jesus Christ, and we have seen that Christmas as we know it has virtually nothing to do with Christ, the question begs to be asked:  why would a bunch of people, desperate to be seen as the last bastion of Christianity (regardless of their hypocrisy), choose to defend a holiday that is so obviously an affront to Christ and his philosophy?  Let us explore the possible answers.

Mass Delusion

One cannot help but wonder if these people really think there is something Christian about their beliefs and their favorite holiday.  Sure, neither fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t believe it does.  After all, they already believe that there’s an invisible, all-powerful father figure in the sky who watches everything they do while keeping an life-long pro and con list on every person who ever lived.  They firmly hold to the idea that there is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent being that takes an active role in our lives and wants all his creatures to be happy, despite the fact that millions of people every year are tortured, abused, and slaughtered in the name of nothing but greed.  I hate to be the mean-spirited atheist Grinch and all, but any person operating under these assumptions and knowing these facts must, by definition, be insane.  They walk around like a modern-day Candide proudly proclaiming that the world is the best of all possible outcomes, and anything that casts a light of doubt on these mass delusions creates a palpable sense of fear that this insane dream world will be crushed under the weight of reason and logic.  There is a deep-seated part of them that knows this delusion for what it really is, but since these peoples’ sense of happiness and self-worth is so firmly rooted in their faith, any attack on it is seen as an attack on their right to be happy.  Just because some of us think people can be happy while not being a fool doesn’t mean that fools are unhappy.  Ignorance, after all, is bliss.


Many so-called “Christians” have actually developed the intellectual fortitude to finally admit that they are hypocrites of the highest degree.  They feel as though they have abandoned the fundamental tenets of their savior’s commandment to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” (Matthew 22:39), mostly because they have done so, and seek to find a way to better relate to Jesus not by changing their ways, but rather attempting to be seen as a martyr for the faith.  This is where the initial “war on Christmas” complaints originated.  There is no real war on Christmas.  It’s the biggest holiday of the year, every year, and almost every year it is even bigger than the last.  I’m an atheist, and I still celebrate Christmas (I just also recognize it for what it is).  But those currently feeling the guilt of knowing that they have sold out their own savior have to find a way to have more in common with him, lest they be forced to deal with the idea that they have more in common with Judas that Jesus.  These people have formulated the idea of a war on Christmas with one goal in mind: they want to be seen as a sacrificial lamb so as to assuage their guilt over betraying the faith they claim to follow so whole-heartedly.  They embrace everything Jesus was against (war, greed, intolerance), and feel that if they are able to figuratively flog themselves enough it will all be okay.  The most offensive part of all this, of course, is that since the war on Christmas is a myth, they don’t actually suffer at all from this pseudo-martyrdom.  They are so unwilling to give up even the smallest part of their own comfort that they have chosen a way to suffer that involves no real suffering.  How convenient.

Pure, Unadulterated Greed

The third and final group “defending” Christmas in this imaginary war are those who do it simply because there’s a lot of money in it.  Let’s face it; some of these people are actually very smart.  The Bill O’Reillys and Sean Hannitys of the world may actually be intelligent enough to know that the tripe flowing forth from their mouths is nothing more than worthless garbage which no one in their right mind could honestly take seriously.  They know they are everything Jesus railed against.  They know Christmas has nothing whatsoever to do with the man.  What they also know, though, is that the two groups described above have money and watch Television, which means there are huge sums of advertising money to be made by telling them what they want to hear.  These cynical, selfish embodiments of irresponsible capitalism have taken what was a minor mental tick and turned it into a full-blown crippling psychosis.  They play up any and every story they can to make it look as though Christians are some minority group against which society at large has a personal grudge that will only end when Christmas is spent worshipping the demon spawn of Lenin and Lucifer (a being I lovingly call Lennifer).  They take every minor story and turn it into a nationwide crusade, all the while selling ad space at the most premium of rates.  If you actually believe that there’s a war on Christmas, you need to know that you are being taken advantage of, and these people are the culprits.

So now it’s time for the solution.  It’s actually very simple.  Accept that there is no war on Christmas.  It’s the biggest money-maker in the biggest capitalist nation to ever exist, so businesses are not about to oppose it.  The vast majority of Americans identify themselves as Christians, so while some elected officials may practice another religion (or even none at all), they still know on which side their bread is buttered, and so will certainly not enact any legislation that would disallow peoples’ practice of Christianity.  If people can just get over the fact that the phrase “happy holidays” is not a personal assault on Jesus and his followers, the mythical war on Christmas will be over.  If Christians would just move past this collective delusion of persecution and admit that there is a difference between not being favored and being attacked, it will be all over.  Essentially, if Christians could just get off their high horses and start acting like the namesake of their religion and their favorite holiday, Christianity will not only be safe from “attack,” but will actually gain more members than ever before.  Christians (or at least many who claim to be) are not under anyone’s thumb.  They are the majority.  They control the political process and the immense wealth of the United States.  The war is not real.  Neither is God, but whatever.  Just get over it already.

*P.S. – If you are a Christian to whom the above statements do not apply, then don’t take this personally.  I’m not anti-Christian any more than I am anti-Muslim, anti-Jew, or opposed to any other irrational faith with no evidence.  I like a lot of Christians.  I’d hate to have someone accuse me of starting a war against Christianity (but not really).  And if you are bothered by any of this and you see me as a threat to your way of life, just remember that the guy you worship as God in human form told you to turn the other cheek and forgive me.  If you don’t, you might go to hell.


3 responses to “Christmas Wars: Part 3 (The Final Rant)

  1. Excellent analysis! I think you have finally debunked the War On Christmas, and not a moment too soon!

  2. The really cool thing is, you can use the same logic not just against the “War on Christmas” types, but anyone else who lives under some wild religious delusion

  3. Pingback: A Little Perspective | Will of The People

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